I only realized recently

That i hurt you

Well before you hurt me

I broke faith

And you couldn’t trust me

The first night on my birthday no less

There must have been an angel nearby

The music lit the room, then your dress

Green hat and black leggings to match, 

but it was your eyes

I ditched you that night and sat in my room

You told me you fell asleep in a bush

I loved you already but it was too much

I went to sleep whispering id find you tomorrow. And what did ya know?

I saw you reading under a tree.

My heart skipped half a dozen beats

I tried to play it cool. I wanted to weep

Should have asked if you wanted to eat, out

Instead of leaving you to go to the caf. 

Why in the fuck did i keep leaving you

I think i thought i didnt want to seem desperate

How fucking ironic that is

Playing it cool when i clearly knew

You were the only love id ever know

I felt it right away  you know i never felt this before

I had lots of girls chasing me previously

However i never felt the same way

Until i met you that is to say

You’re the only person to ever hook me forevermore

Every chance you gave me i blew

Called my shit and said i was full of it

Went back home and told me to be alone

I said i helped them pick up but nothing else nothing happened and that was true. 

I didnt see at the time it was still breaking trust

I wanted to prove you wrong but instead

I proved i wasnt fit to be someone to whom

You could commit to so you said no just let it go

You wondered why we hadnt had sex

I was a virgin you see

I was scared what you’d think of me

I made up a fake fucking girlfriend back home

I said that was why we werent smashing

I couldn’t have said anything more stupid

Evidently i fucked up. I can’t remember the rest of the bullshit i did until i locked you out of my room

Fuck that dude that ever did that to you

You said don’t do that to me

And something clicked that told me thats how boyfriends would act

I know that hurt you and we fought more after that

I pressured you into dating me officially

We should have just stopped hooking up

Instead of being a pussy and let you come back to me

But i visited you at christmas

I flew back to halifax for new years at your house

I was so eager i didnt listen to you

Blew all my money accidentally on a tattoo

You picked me up and we kissed in your moms car

Everything was great until kyle called

You took it in the other room and your mom said i was so patient

I just nodded but again something clicked

“Maybe i shouldnt be” besides that really hurt me

Since you left a note before i went back home

I still have that note. You say your my girl i cried

But i cried outside your house. I yelled at you in your room until 3am

You asked me if i was leaving and again something clicked “she wants me gone”

So i said yeah and packed my bags. 

I left not once but twice. You followed me crying once crying. The second time your mom drove you looking for me.

I felt like such a fucking asshole i ran to find your car and played mad. But really i was so happy to see you safe. 

You took me home and i was to sleep on the couch

I snuck upstairs into your room. We made love and i loved you so much in that moment

In the morning i was too embarrassed to stay

I felt like a worthless piece of shit

I caught a bus back to halifax. I’ve never hated myself more

Except thats not true. I hate myself every single day for everything i put you through

And thinking if somehow you’re still suffering,  theres nothing i can do. I’m just so weak and useless since losing you. 

It hurts too much to think, anymore.

You used to sing to me

In the melody of my dreams

Every night, now only some

I used to feel the lacking

And think of you every moment

Now only in passing and passion

The pain used to keep me up

For days on end

Now, only that one night

When I can't shake one memory

Which peels back

To reveal it all

As i misremember it

Saying sorry to a white wall

And I haven't slept for four days.
Because I always see you
But it's not the real you
And it deeply saddens me
And I never get close any way

Let's pretend I didn't forget to say.
How intimidated I was
To be in your house your room
Your world

I sometimes pretend it was all a play
And my life's still living it
'Cus at the end of the day
These lies help me live with it
And by it I mean me
And all these cracks and weaknesses.
It sabotaged my trist
Oh hell I thought I knew it well
Like a broken wrist well now it's all I know
I'm sorry Gabrielle for all my mistakes woah
And all these cracks and weaknesses
I'm sorry for leaving you at home
Sorry for fleeing when it got real
For not trusting you to fix me
For not trusting you
Violence drinking and drugs
Lying about so much when I was embarrassed
Or just to keep your attention on me
For not being me
For asking for that back when I just wanted to burn it
For burning cigarettes outside your window and doors
Too much touch and feel me when you were too drunk
And not enough when I was shitting myself
For coming out unannounced
And ruining our friendship
For fucking everything up
Like your feelings and friendships
And my body and mind
Threatening to harm myself
And actually doing it
For scaring you and breaking your window
For not leaving when I should have
For yelling outside your window
For bleeding my heart out on your front porch
In front of people you just met
And people you love
For calling you and your mother names
For being something I should be ashamed of
For still being hung up on you
For reminding myself every day of how much I love you
Of your smell and of everything you ever said
Of you saying yes when I proposed
Of you chasing me in the rain
Or hugging me when I locked you out
Sorry for that too

how long is when

I can't do this any longer. Sleepless nights. Dreams of you. I don't get you. Never have you. Only had half of you. Driving myself mad. Not eating. Growing older. Always alone. Always unhappy. Every thought. Every waking moment on the tip of my tongue. Name never gets spoken aloud. It's not allowed. No freedom. Can't drive. Don't masterbait so I never cum. Can't ever be alone in a place. Always lonesome for something I've never felt. Love so entirely without ever feeling it back. I can't take it anymore. I have to end it all. I can't live without hope for one more day. Can't go to sleep knowing it won't change anything. I can't live knowing you won't even know if I died. I can't live not knowing if you're alive. Or thinking of me. Or if you actually hate me. Or if I should have done anything different. Or if I actually hurt you. Or if you only ever wanted sex. Or if you ever actually loved me. The only certainty I know now is there is no hope and I can die without consequences. I don't know if I can do it. I have to but I don't want to have to. I don't do drugs anymore so one big dose would do it. I don't feel anything anymore so I wouldn't feel it. I only know I'd leave my family in ruins. I don't know if I should. But I can't live like this anymore and there is no alternative. Nothing being spoken. No ancient silent language of love. Understanding. No great work to pour my love into. No output to input this broken heart to make it beautiful. All it is is ugly and forsaken. All I am is rejected and broken completely. Five years later and I can't work. Can't hold down a job. Can't go to school because it reminds me of you. Can't do anything but shiver and shake as the world destroys me with all its forces. Can't meet new people. Anxiety and hopelessness are toxic foreign bodies in my blood. I'm not like this. What have I become. My friends. Where are my friends. They left me for people who aren't broken and are not a fraction of themselves. They are friends with people who take care of themselves. I am wasting away slowly. If I don't do it now. Soon I will perish like food in the sun. From smoking or starvation. Dehydration or an illness directly related to a heart failing my brain. Since when did love destroy people's lives. Love could have made me better than my potential. I felt better than what was possible. Five years ago. I haven't spoken to a soul or felt anything for five years. How much longer until this becomes permanent. How long until the life unmoving unchanging becomes death? I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid to answer any more questions. I'm afraid to ask anything I've asked because an answer would bring me closer to death and further from happiness. I have no one and I am so alone my soul feels like what once was a flame is cold butane

Left your heart in Truro

I found you in the bathroom off your parents bedroom in the vanity. Vanity
I sought you out because we fought and I could not forgive myself. Myself
I often sit here and think about that vanity and the ensuing insanity. help me please

On that first night at your parents place I felt like I'm at my families
And you leaning close telling me about your friends of imaginary.
Was opening up to me that night somehow scary to you?
That felt like the only time I got to see you vulnerable and I loved it all
I felt safe in my skin and thought I would never let you go
But I've got this nice way of always finding a way to fall
or let slip on ice

And that's where my dreams end every night
Hurting you it's killing me
And now it's my hopes and dreams that keep me restless at night
Will never come true there's only one you

Now five years later. alone. I'm five years closer
To ending this life and fulfilling what my dreams all along have prophesied

If you thought that I don't trust you, well I just know what you've been up to.
These sad songs are agreeing with everything I've had in mind.
And you wear cold stone look
You left your heart in Truro.


And I haven't slept for four days.
Because I always see you
But it's not the real you
And it Saddens me deeply
And I never get close, any way

The most horrible and tragic end to a love affair

I feel such crushing hopelessness when I contemplate my future 

The only love allowed myself is gone and gone forever

Now I'm trying to accept a life of loneliness ever

Nevertheless I can't stop myself from dreaming

And wishing with my every second's thought

What I know is impossible and bad for whom i love

It's not so crazy as it used to be but still so obsessive

I haven't so much as talked to a girl since I returned from heaven

From loving you there is no one else to compare

The thought of being with you isn't even conceivable anymore

Even in my dreams you leave me to be alone

Even in my tamest dreams I knew this day would come

I'm dying now, as I hurried up, like this I cannot go on

A future alone, without you too, I cannot bear on n on 

furthermore

I wish you would forget me soon

As soon I will be no more. 

2016

This is my symposium
Or what does love mean to me?
I expect some say it comes from inside them.
Or envelops all things in existence, equally.
For some an emotion, a state of being, or an act to be performed.
All things, energy, the all knowing God in all his forms.

To me its an experience. Its breathing and beating, wake and sleeping without a second spared, of thinking of one person i havent seen in five years. Its the absense in my life, of something that i once knew and cared for, defining who I am and who I will be, how I will be remembered forever more. The thought process in rest, always returns to after every idea. The dreams every night which i cannot control; frozen in fright of how i saw it unfold. I don't actually wish i could love another. But sometimes i think about it, only to realize its impossible. Concievable, maybe but to myself a betrayal. Not just a promise broken, more, self deception, a denial of all i understand and can control, of the metaphysical universes objective and in my mind (to myself) twofold.
I therefore awaken to anguish for my unchanging future is forever to be alone. No hope.

And that is love. Living with no hope for a savior. I am dead to her and to her I am a creature devoid of  love, a nusance, a waste unholy in nature and for that i forgive her. I hate myself too. I hurt her before, and for that I will never forgive. I impeded her love with selfish sacrilage. I embarrassed myself in the name of love with violence and rape. I begged on my knees and threatened my life. I cut myself with the edge of a knife. I threw anger through her windows while i stalked outside and watched her from rooftops till she would hide inside. I fought over friends and gifts i had given. I severed every tie and retreated home, did not listen. She maybe still needed me (like an addict needs to poison themselves) but i blocked myself from her, to hide in my new hell.
I've created this world to suffer my fate. To me love is nothing more than something i hate. But Gabrielle i still love with all of my heart. If there is a reason I'm alive its to not bear her what little pain it would cause her to think of me again.