We met
On my
Birthday
My greatest present
Was your presence
Hat to skirt
That
Black and white
Stripped shirt
That slight
Overbite
Slightly tilting
Beer bottle
Individual
Alone
But with
Someone you
Barely knew
We talked
Ethnicity
Names
Drink
Smoke weed
Sat on beds
Chairs
Your friend
Still there
Partied
As if
Thats a verb
Stood in circle
Smoke more herb
Passed out
Seperately
In beds
And bushes

That was the last time i felt anything. That was the last time i really knew who i was. Because for the first time i knew what my purpose was. For the first time i could do anything and it felt right. This is the last time that i hurt myself. This is the last time that i write about walking down to the ocean that night. In the frightening rain. That was the only time I've tried to kill myself. It was the last time that i felt anything. It was the last time i really knew who i was. Or am.

I used to be mad but now I'm just sad. How did you kill the love that we had? If i knew how to extinguish my love maybe id feel better. I'm trying to distinguish my emotions in these letters. But trying to channel my depression always leaves me with a long confession of love. You think i'd've learned my lesson. No heavenly ideals from above like a steadfast love are going to save me from this hell. My future is a certainty now of longing alone and everyone can tell. Theres no breaking this spell unless i decide to let her go. And to that notion my heart beats N-O-N-O.

You lit a fire under my ethics and morals. Buried my hopes and dreams in a pit with my dead frogs. I shattered the window we saw our future through when you told me "love you." I didnt know it was wrong but i felt guilt. I wanted you to be as confused as me but i only invoked fear. In retrospect everything's clear. Like when you said "I'm your girl" you meant "i know that I'm dear to you" not "you are my man". You meant "stay with me tonight" when you answered "i do" and "i said id marry you". "I don't want to talk" was really, "its over". And when you said nothing, you really meant it.

I called your parents house because i thought they might say your name on the voicemail. Its been so long since I've heard someone else say your name. And i miss and i love you, and it hurts to know that you don't. And i miss that cold stare and your excuse to your boyfriend for why I'm there. Who knew id feel this way about decisions i made four to five years ago. Did i ever apologize for breaking your window? You never said a word about my broken hearts or how many times i died those years ago. I havent died at all this year and i hate you for that. At least let me know if i can feel anything anymore. Id die to get your attention but i know you wouldn't come to the wake to see my last promise kept.

What is love. Something sent from above. What is love. make all of us fly, doves. What is love.
Is it parking your car around the block so you can walk/run with her in the rain. Is it walking circles around the campus thinking circles in you brain. Is it inventing rituals to seem interesting or somewhat insane. Is love all of the above or have i gone lame.

People talking too loud. Standing in a crowd. People standing too close. Lonelier than most. Couples kissing. Check pockets because you feel somethings missing. Want to go home. Check the time on phone. Band starts to play. Start to feel ok. Push your way to the front. Eyes on the hunt. Scratch leg with foot. Ash cigarette of soot. Make a friend. Stand near them until the end. They speak but can't hear a word. Only music can be heard.