Lacing the pages of library books with medicine. Passing children on the street with cigarettes. Fighting with family members. Injecting with my loved ones in the next room. What else makes me want to kill myself. Looking at myself in the mirror. Showering twice a week. Hearing from you once a year. Flooding facebook with cries for help. So called friends stab me in the back. All i do is nothing, all day, every day. Eating other people's food. Really can't fall asleep because I'm remembering painful memories. Writing self pitying poetry. Masterbaiting to memory.

If you're reading this. Call me. Tell me what you think. 1-705-220-1481

In the future we will all speak at the same time when conversing about just about everything. You can tell me how vile i am while i sing your praises and we'll have better ways of comprehending every phrase so I'll understand what it is you're actually trying to express. And when we say "i love you" at the same time something will happen inside, like a chemical will be released-if we truly mean it. Sometimes i think of when we were together, like maybe something was missing that hasnt been invented yet. Something to stop me from acting with jealousy; Something to stop you from lying to me. Sometimes i look back at all the signs that you were going to leave me just to see if i die inside, again.

I have no other memories from that first year that don't involve or include you. I need to let you let me let go. I know you'll call me when you get sad and lonely. You only do because you know I'm always sad and lonely. Sad and lonely. If i wasnt so sad and lonely maybe you wouldn't call or think of me when you get sad and lonely at all. Then i wouldn't hear from you and get my hopes up. I could move on. Then maybe about other things in my life i could feel confident again. I could get my hope up and my chin up instead of getting doped up to forget it in my parents basement with a rope up around the lights. 

Crossing the street without looking

Leaning precariously over the railing smoking for the sake of smoking

These are some things that i do hoping that I'll die soon to get away from thinking about you

How could you haunt me with one word? And your body language. Its absurd to me that your facial expression could leave such an impression so long after. And your laughter it siezes me like it did then when the eve's breeze bent around your knees. And played with your skirt in the moonlight. You were a flirt, big surprise, but you knew when the time was right and you always smiled with your eyes.

We met
On my
Birthday
My greatest present
Was your presence
Hat to skirt
That
Black and white
Stripped shirt
That slight
Overbite
Slightly tilting
Beer bottle
Individual
Alone
But with
Someone you
Barely knew
We talked
Ethnicity
Names
Drink
Smoke weed
Sat on beds
Chairs
Your friend
Still there
Partied
As if
Thats a verb
Stood in circle
Smoke more herb
Passed out
Seperately
In beds
And bushes

That was the last time i felt anything. That was the last time i really knew who i was. Because for the first time i knew what my purpose was. For the first time i could do anything and it felt right. This is the last time that i hurt myself. This is the last time that i write about walking down to the ocean that night. In the frightening rain. That was the only time I've tried to kill myself. It was the last time that i felt anything. It was the last time i really knew who i was. Or am.

I used to be mad but now I'm just sad. How did you kill the love that we had? If i knew how to extinguish my love maybe id feel better. I'm trying to distinguish my emotions in these letters. But trying to channel my depression always leaves me with a long confession of love. You think i'd've learned my lesson. No heavenly ideals from above like a steadfast love are going to save me from this hell. My future is a certainty now of longing alone and everyone can tell. Theres no breaking this spell unless i decide to let her go. And to that notion my heart beats N-O-N-O.

You lit a fire under my ethics and morals. Buried my hopes and dreams in a pit with my dead frogs. I shattered the window we saw our future through when you told me "love you." I didnt know it was wrong but i felt guilt. I wanted you to be as confused as me but i only invoked fear. In retrospect everything's clear. Like when you said "I'm your girl" you meant "i know that I'm dear to you" not "you are my man". You meant "stay with me tonight" when you answered "i do" and "i said id marry you". "I don't want to talk" was really, "its over". And when you said nothing, you really meant it.

I called your parents house because i thought they might say your name on the voicemail. Its been so long since I've heard someone else say your name. And i miss and i love you, and it hurts to know that you don't. And i miss that cold stare and your excuse to your boyfriend for why I'm there. Who knew id feel this way about decisions i made four to five years ago. Did i ever apologize for breaking your window? You never said a word about my broken hearts or how many times i died those years ago. I havent died at all this year and i hate you for that. At least let me know if i can feel anything anymore. Id die to get your attention but i know you wouldn't come to the wake to see my last promise kept.