And I haven't slept for four days.
Because I always see you
But it's not the real you
And it deeply saddens me
And I never get close any way
Let's pretend I didn't forget to say.
How intimidated I was
To be in your house your room
Your world
I sometimes pretend it was all a play
And my life's still living it
'Cus at the end of the day
These lies help me live with it
And by it I mean me
And all these cracks and weaknesses.
It sabotaged my trist
Oh hell I thought I knew it well
Like a broken wrist well now it's all I know
I'm sorry Gabrielle for all my mistakes woah
And all these cracks and weaknesses
I'm sorry for leaving you at home
Sorry for fleeing when it got real
For not trusting you to fix me
For not trusting you
Violence drinking and drugs
Lying about so much when I was embarrassed
Or just to keep your attention on me
For not being me
For asking for that back when I just wanted to burn it
For burning cigarettes outside your window and doors
Too much touch and feel me when you were too drunk
And not enough when I was shitting myself
For coming out unannounced
And ruining our friendship
For fucking everything up
Like your feelings and friendships
And my body and mind
Threatening to harm myself
And actually doing it
For scaring you and breaking your window
For not leaving when I should have
For yelling outside your window
For bleeding my heart out on your front porch
In front of people you just met
And people you love
For calling you and your mother names
For being something I should be ashamed of
For still being hung up on you
For reminding myself every day of how much I love you
Of your smell and of everything you ever said
Of you saying yes when I proposed
Of you chasing me in the rain
Or hugging me when I locked you out
Sorry for that too
Sunday 28 August 2016
how long is when
I can't do this any longer. Sleepless nights. Dreams of you. I don't get you. Never have you. Only had half of you. Driving myself mad. Not eating. Growing older. Always alone. Always unhappy. Every thought. Every waking moment on the tip of my tongue. Name never gets spoken aloud. It's not allowed. No freedom. Can't drive. Don't masterbait so I never cum. Can't ever be alone in a place. Always lonesome for something I've never felt. Love so entirely without ever feeling it back. I can't take it anymore. I have to end it all. I can't live without hope for one more day. Can't go to sleep knowing it won't change anything. I can't live knowing you won't even know if I died. I can't live not knowing if you're alive. Or thinking of me. Or if you actually hate me. Or if I should have done anything different. Or if I actually hurt you. Or if you only ever wanted sex. Or if you ever actually loved me. The only certainty I know now is there is no hope and I can die without consequences. I don't know if I can do it. I have to but I don't want to have to. I don't do drugs anymore so one big dose would do it. I don't feel anything anymore so I wouldn't feel it. I only know I'd leave my family in ruins. I don't know if I should. But I can't live like this anymore and there is no alternative. Nothing being spoken. No ancient silent language of love. Understanding. No great work to pour my love into. No output to input this broken heart to make it beautiful. All it is is ugly and forsaken. All I am is rejected and broken completely. Five years later and I can't work. Can't hold down a job. Can't go to school because it reminds me of you. Can't do anything but shiver and shake as the world destroys me with all its forces. Can't meet new people. Anxiety and hopelessness are toxic foreign bodies in my blood. I'm not like this. What have I become. My friends. Where are my friends. They left me for people who aren't broken and are not a fraction of themselves. They are friends with people who take care of themselves. I am wasting away slowly. If I don't do it now. Soon I will perish like food in the sun. From smoking or starvation. Dehydration or an illness directly related to a heart failing my brain. Since when did love destroy people's lives. Love could have made me better than my potential. I felt better than what was possible. Five years ago. I haven't spoken to a soul or felt anything for five years. How much longer until this becomes permanent. How long until the life unmoving unchanging becomes death? I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid to answer any more questions. I'm afraid to ask anything I've asked because an answer would bring me closer to death and further from happiness. I have no one and I am so alone my soul feels like what once was a flame is cold butane
Left your heart in Truro
I found you in the bathroom off your parents bedroom in the vanity. Vanity
I sought you out because we fought and I could not forgive myself. Myself
I often sit here and think about that vanity and the ensuing insanity. help me please
On that first night at your parents place I felt like I'm at my families
And you leaning close telling me about your friends of imaginary.
Was opening up to me that night somehow scary to you?
That felt like the only time I got to see you vulnerable and I loved it all
I felt safe in my skin and thought I would never let you go
But I've got this nice way of always finding a way to fall
or let slip on ice
And that's where my dreams end every night
Hurting you it's killing me
And now it's my hopes and dreams that keep me restless at night
Will never come true there's only one you
Now five years later. alone. I'm five years closer
To ending this life and fulfilling what my dreams all along have prophesied
If you thought that I don't trust you, well I just know what you've been up to.
These sad songs are agreeing with everything I've had in mind.
And you wear cold stone look
You left your heart in Truro.
And I haven't slept for four days.
Because I always see you
But it's not the real you
And it Saddens me deeply
And I never get close, any way
I sought you out because we fought and I could not forgive myself. Myself
I often sit here and think about that vanity and the ensuing insanity. help me please
On that first night at your parents place I felt like I'm at my families
And you leaning close telling me about your friends of imaginary.
Was opening up to me that night somehow scary to you?
That felt like the only time I got to see you vulnerable and I loved it all
I felt safe in my skin and thought I would never let you go
But I've got this nice way of always finding a way to fall
or let slip on ice
And that's where my dreams end every night
Hurting you it's killing me
And now it's my hopes and dreams that keep me restless at night
Will never come true there's only one you
Now five years later. alone. I'm five years closer
To ending this life and fulfilling what my dreams all along have prophesied
If you thought that I don't trust you, well I just know what you've been up to.
These sad songs are agreeing with everything I've had in mind.
And you wear cold stone look
You left your heart in Truro.
And I haven't slept for four days.
Because I always see you
But it's not the real you
And it Saddens me deeply
And I never get close, any way
Friday 19 August 2016
The most horrible and tragic end to a love affair
I feel such crushing hopelessness when I contemplate my future
The only love allowed myself is gone and gone forever
Now I'm trying to accept a life of loneliness ever
Nevertheless I can't stop myself from dreaming
And wishing with my every second's thought
What I know is impossible and bad for whom i love
It's not so crazy as it used to be but still so obsessive
I haven't so much as talked to a girl since I returned from heaven
From loving you there is no one else to compare
The thought of being with you isn't even conceivable anymore
Even in my dreams you leave me to be alone
Even in my tamest dreams I knew this day would come
I'm dying now, as I hurried up, like this I cannot go on
A future alone, without you too, I cannot bear on n on
furthermore
I wish you would forget me soon
As soon I will be no more.
2016
This is my symposium
Or what does love mean to me?
I expect some say it comes from inside them.
Or envelops all things in existence, equally.
For some an emotion, a state of being, or an act to be performed.
All things, energy, the all knowing God in all his forms.
To me its an experience. Its breathing and beating, wake and sleeping without a second spared, of thinking of one person i havent seen in five years. Its the absense in my life, of something that i once knew and cared for, defining who I am and who I will be, how I will be remembered forever more. The thought process in rest, always returns to after every idea. The dreams every night which i cannot control; frozen in fright of how i saw it unfold. I don't actually wish i could love another. But sometimes i think about it, only to realize its impossible. Concievable, maybe but to myself a betrayal. Not just a promise broken, more, self deception, a denial of all i understand and can control, of the metaphysical universes objective and in my mind (to myself) twofold.
I therefore awaken to anguish for my unchanging future is forever to be alone. No hope.
And that is love. Living with no hope for a savior. I am dead to her and to her I am a creature devoid of love, a nusance, a waste unholy in nature and for that i forgive her. I hate myself too. I hurt her before, and for that I will never forgive. I impeded her love with selfish sacrilage. I embarrassed myself in the name of love with violence and rape. I begged on my knees and threatened my life. I cut myself with the edge of a knife. I threw anger through her windows while i stalked outside and watched her from rooftops till she would hide inside. I fought over friends and gifts i had given. I severed every tie and retreated home, did not listen. She maybe still needed me (like an addict needs to poison themselves) but i blocked myself from her, to hide in my new hell.
I've created this world to suffer my fate. To me love is nothing more than something i hate. But Gabrielle i still love with all of my heart. If there is a reason I'm alive its to not bear her what little pain it would cause her to think of me again.
Or what does love mean to me?
I expect some say it comes from inside them.
Or envelops all things in existence, equally.
For some an emotion, a state of being, or an act to be performed.
All things, energy, the all knowing God in all his forms.
To me its an experience. Its breathing and beating, wake and sleeping without a second spared, of thinking of one person i havent seen in five years. Its the absense in my life, of something that i once knew and cared for, defining who I am and who I will be, how I will be remembered forever more. The thought process in rest, always returns to after every idea. The dreams every night which i cannot control; frozen in fright of how i saw it unfold. I don't actually wish i could love another. But sometimes i think about it, only to realize its impossible. Concievable, maybe but to myself a betrayal. Not just a promise broken, more, self deception, a denial of all i understand and can control, of the metaphysical universes objective and in my mind (to myself) twofold.
I therefore awaken to anguish for my unchanging future is forever to be alone. No hope.
And that is love. Living with no hope for a savior. I am dead to her and to her I am a creature devoid of love, a nusance, a waste unholy in nature and for that i forgive her. I hate myself too. I hurt her before, and for that I will never forgive. I impeded her love with selfish sacrilage. I embarrassed myself in the name of love with violence and rape. I begged on my knees and threatened my life. I cut myself with the edge of a knife. I threw anger through her windows while i stalked outside and watched her from rooftops till she would hide inside. I fought over friends and gifts i had given. I severed every tie and retreated home, did not listen. She maybe still needed me (like an addict needs to poison themselves) but i blocked myself from her, to hide in my new hell.
I've created this world to suffer my fate. To me love is nothing more than something i hate. But Gabrielle i still love with all of my heart. If there is a reason I'm alive its to not bear her what little pain it would cause her to think of me again.
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