Saying sorry to a white wall

And I haven't slept for four days.
Because I always see you
But it's not the real you
And it deeply saddens me
And I never get close any way

Let's pretend I didn't forget to say.
How intimidated I was
To be in your house your room
Your world

I sometimes pretend it was all a play
And my life's still living it
'Cus at the end of the day
These lies help me live with it
And by it I mean me
And all these cracks and weaknesses.
It sabotaged my trist
Oh hell I thought I knew it well
Like a broken wrist well now it's all I know
I'm sorry Gabrielle for all my mistakes woah
And all these cracks and weaknesses
I'm sorry for leaving you at home
Sorry for fleeing when it got real
For not trusting you to fix me
For not trusting you
Violence drinking and drugs
Lying about so much when I was embarrassed
Or just to keep your attention on me
For not being me
For asking for that back when I just wanted to burn it
For burning cigarettes outside your window and doors
Too much touch and feel me when you were too drunk
And not enough when I was shitting myself
For coming out unannounced
And ruining our friendship
For fucking everything up
Like your feelings and friendships
And my body and mind
Threatening to harm myself
And actually doing it
For scaring you and breaking your window
For not leaving when I should have
For yelling outside your window
For bleeding my heart out on your front porch
In front of people you just met
And people you love
For calling you and your mother names
For being something I should be ashamed of
For still being hung up on you
For reminding myself every day of how much I love you
Of your smell and of everything you ever said
Of you saying yes when I proposed
Of you chasing me in the rain
Or hugging me when I locked you out
Sorry for that too