how long is when

I can't do this any longer. Sleepless nights. Dreams of you. I don't get you. Never have you. Only had half of you. Driving myself mad. Not eating. Growing older. Always alone. Always unhappy. Every thought. Every waking moment on the tip of my tongue. Name never gets spoken aloud. It's not allowed. No freedom. Can't drive. Don't masterbait so I never cum. Can't ever be alone in a place. Always lonesome for something I've never felt. Love so entirely without ever feeling it back. I can't take it anymore. I have to end it all. I can't live without hope for one more day. Can't go to sleep knowing it won't change anything. I can't live knowing you won't even know if I died. I can't live not knowing if you're alive. Or thinking of me. Or if you actually hate me. Or if I should have done anything different. Or if I actually hurt you. Or if you only ever wanted sex. Or if you ever actually loved me. The only certainty I know now is there is no hope and I can die without consequences. I don't know if I can do it. I have to but I don't want to have to. I don't do drugs anymore so one big dose would do it. I don't feel anything anymore so I wouldn't feel it. I only know I'd leave my family in ruins. I don't know if I should. But I can't live like this anymore and there is no alternative. Nothing being spoken. No ancient silent language of love. Understanding. No great work to pour my love into. No output to input this broken heart to make it beautiful. All it is is ugly and forsaken. All I am is rejected and broken completely. Five years later and I can't work. Can't hold down a job. Can't go to school because it reminds me of you. Can't do anything but shiver and shake as the world destroys me with all its forces. Can't meet new people. Anxiety and hopelessness are toxic foreign bodies in my blood. I'm not like this. What have I become. My friends. Where are my friends. They left me for people who aren't broken and are not a fraction of themselves. They are friends with people who take care of themselves. I am wasting away slowly. If I don't do it now. Soon I will perish like food in the sun. From smoking or starvation. Dehydration or an illness directly related to a heart failing my brain. Since when did love destroy people's lives. Love could have made me better than my potential. I felt better than what was possible. Five years ago. I haven't spoken to a soul or felt anything for five years. How much longer until this becomes permanent. How long until the life unmoving unchanging becomes death? I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid to answer any more questions. I'm afraid to ask anything I've asked because an answer would bring me closer to death and further from happiness. I have no one and I am so alone my soul feels like what once was a flame is cold butane