What is love. Something sent from above. What is love. make all of us fly, doves. What is love.
Is it parking your car around the block so you can walk/run with her in the rain. Is it walking circles around the campus thinking circles in you brain. Is it inventing rituals to seem interesting or somewhat insane. Is love all of the above or have i gone lame.

People talking too loud. Standing in a crowd. People standing too close. Lonelier than most. Couples kissing. Check pockets because you feel somethings missing. Want to go home. Check the time on phone. Band starts to play. Start to feel ok. Push your way to the front. Eyes on the hunt. Scratch leg with foot. Ash cigarette of soot. Make a friend. Stand near them until the end. They speak but can't hear a word. Only music can be heard.

You are the smoke as it escapes me and dissapates, that i pull to escape from the thought of you. You are the words on this page more naked than flesh. You are the closed eyes peacefully at rest. You are a blade of grass carefully collecting dew. You are, in your subtlety, my idle thought of you. You are the driveway on the morning after snow storm. You are the sweater and scarf left at my house and their warmth. My broken speaker. My guitar teacher. My pain meds. My bare bed. You are you when you peruse the smooth expanses of my skin. You are part of me when i feel without within.

Stripping my bed. Laying on bare matress. Pillows without covers. Limbs tangled with each other's. I eye you in periphery. I think before I act. In my mind, I finger tip toe up your arm. In my mind, i push hair behind your ear, golden brown in the dim lit room. I know you'll leave me soon to climb out the window of the bay and start your day with a lecture. Twirl your pen. Doodle our names in the margins of your lined paper, next to the date. You in your thick rimmed glasses, i think of sex and death and memory. I eye you in periphery sitting two rows ahead of me. I write observations on the scene; you twirl your pen, write notes within the margin, look and try to find me where i always sit, next to the collumn. The matress feels rough on bare legs. Chest, rise and fall with breathing. I can feel your heart beating on my arm, trapped under you. In my mind, i synchronize my heart and breathing to your's. In my mind, we're lying on the floor, breathing hard-out of breath, your eyes in mine. Smiling. You only smile after sex.

My desire to have you cannot be subdued. I spend most of my time alone in silence: Necessarily true. You used to dream of me every night frozen in fear. Of what? You cannot say for it is too near to my heart and you removed your ear. I will tell you dear of what I've been frozen in fear  of for the past five years. At first it was losing you and it partially still is. I was afraid that you'd leave me and after you did i was afraid that you'd die or that id change and not love you as i once did. I'm scared I'll forget you as you were and that i don't know you as i once did. I'm worried I'll never see or speak to you again. But most of all i know in my heart that I'll never love another as i have loved you: Necessarily true. But thats not what I'm scared of its the fact that my future is no longer uncertain. I think we welcome death and the unknown but what scares me most is the inevitably lonely life that I'm already living.

Posts from wednesday 26 go from newest to oldest. All posts after 26th of march are correctly posted old to new. I hope you somehow found this darling.

I'm sitting on the couch that you drew on with the instant coffee that you brewed for me in the mug with your name in the heart. This is not a specific memory. Its more a feeling like those times that you let yourself in and crawled into my bed late at night. Its all the days we spent cuddlings after fights when we would both admit that we were wrong. And when you left it was like those bar fights came back. Reading the letter id been expelled. It was like your friends whispering behind my back. Or reading that text that you meant to send to your ex boyfriend.